I took a look at your book. I remember opening that google link up a year or so ago.
I read several paragraphs. The story starts off nice with the conflict. My thing about the girl is, I want to know more about her hatred. I want to feel her hatred. I can’t connect to her. I understand her character though.
Another thing I don’t like is that, when the girl starts freezing all her class mates and some start escaping, you don’t go in to details. You “tell” me what happens, but you don’t “show” me. Does that make sense?
I want to know how her classmates felt when they were all being frozen. Were some scared, did some try to stop her? What did their faces look like? Did some pee their pants? Did some realize they had wronged her and got what they deserved?
1. This is good advice. The episode is undergoing a rewrite right now, actually.
2. Mm. Could be. I’ve gone ahead and fixed a little bit of that.
3. That part is not really central to the story, all the first bit is really for is to introduce Falcon more than the actual villain. Pretty sure I’m not going to explain EVERYTHING that happens, but it’s been expanded with a little of what you say. I don’t want this scene to play out like a school shooting any more than it already does. The story is not needlessly dark.
And after a little bit of work, I have finished Operation Flâneur
It’s a short, a little bit scary and somewhat inspired by the style of Borges.
Set in one of my earliest stories, Operation Flâneur can be resumed in a single sentence.